Frustrations and realizations and confusions! Oh my!

Recently, I have been more frustrated than usual. In a way, I think it's mainly caused by me being cooped up here in L.A. not really being able to do anything other than hang out with my family. Maybe writing about some of this stuff here will help me feel better and get over it...

First of all, I'm just all around frustrated with my body. I know that I'm by no means fat or obese or any of those things. But I'm still not as healthy as I'd like to be. And I get up everyday and go jogging and eat super healthy all the time and go to the gym for at least an hour every single evening with my mom and dad. And I know I've barely done this like this for maybe three weeks now, but I've always eaten super healthy. If I've been doing all of this, shouldn't I be seeing some results by now? We always hear these awesome success stories about how people lose pounds upon pounds after only a month of doing something like this, and I see absolutely no change in myself at all. I've almost started giving up hope, but I won't, because I understand that this is still making me a lot healthier than I was before, because I'm working out my heart and all other important parts of my body. But this realization doesn't seem to make me feel any better about it.

Lately, I've also started feeling really guilty with what type of person I have turned out to be. Sure, I seem like I'm pretty great, but am I really? The other day, I realized that I was going to be home for the first time ever when something Harry Potter is released. I realized that I could go see the sixth movie with all of my friends and just have a blast, something I've never been able to do before. As I exclaim in the car and tell my parents this, all they can say is "Wow, her priorities really are in different places than ours..." And that made me feel worse than I have ever felt about anything before. Because I realized, maybe for the first time fully saw, that I have totally different priorities than my parents. My mother didn't move out of the house until her early twenties, and even that was to move somewhere where she had family really close by. Never when she was young did she prefer to go to a movie with her friends. She would always be satisfied and happy with going with her parents. She cooked and cleaned and was just all around the perfect daughter.

I'm not like that. I'm the farthest from that I could ever be. I don't have any idea how to cook most of the stuff we make, I have to drag myself to even clean my room, forget the rest of the house, and I will always prefer to go out on a girls night or to a movie with some friends than spend my evenings doing nothing but hanging around with my family. In a way, I fell like I've become the worst daughter ever imaginable, and it's too late for me to change anything, because I'm going away to college, and mom won't even be in the same state anymore. And now, I'm just starting to wonder if I've turned into a bad person because all of this. Because shouldn't I want to spend a lot of time with my family? Shouldn't I be satisfied and really happy to be here in California for more than two months hanging out with no one but my parents and grandparents? Doesn't the fact that I keep wishing I was home so I could go out with my friends make me the worst daughter ever? I don't even know what to think of myself anymore...

And I've been really confused about guys. Well... One particular guy I guess. My mind keeps sending me mixed signals, and I don't know what to do about any of it anymore... I guess I'd much rather not go into detail here, but it's still one of those things that's got me really twisted up in knots. Today, I almost thought I knew exactly what to do about it. But then, I found out more things, and I think I'm more confused than I've ever been about it before now. I'm just not sure in anything my mind tells me anymore, because it keeps giving me tons and tons of pros and cons, and none of them seem to outweigh the other.

I really just don't even know anymore. I know most of these frustrations are nothing but silly fears, spurred on by my overactive imagination, late nights, and lack of proper timed sleep. But that doesn't stop them from eating away at me, bit by bit. I'm afraid if I'm here like this for much longer, I'm going to be completely rotted through by the time I go home for school.

Redefining Religion

*WARNING: Religion is about to be discussed in the coming post. If you are offended or have no interest in reading about my sudden revelations, please, skip this post. Thank you.*


Today, I became a Hindu. I know what you're thinking: "But Devi! I thought you already were a Hindu!" Ahh, very true my friend, I have been calling myself a Hindu my entire life. It's what I grew up with, what my parents practiced, there were signs of it all around my house, right down to the mini shrine in our house for our most revered God. What other religion would I have belonged to, which other religion could I have followed?

But that is exactly why I was never truly a Hindu. It was a blind faith, an acceptance of what was supposedly normal for me, an ignorant worship of something I didn't ever really understand. I am happy to say that this has begun to be rectified. So, this is how the story goes...

Today, my entire family took a trip to the outlet mall to do some nice summer clothes shopping. (Yes, I bought some gorgeous tops and awesome shorts and four pairs of shoes. Now, back to the topic at hand) Grandfather sat on some bench outside, too bored to even come into the shop, while mom and grandma spent hours upon hours in each store. So what do father and darling Devi do? They discuss things, of course. Topics ranged all the way from college to politics, eventually coming to a rest on religion. And then... Devi's entire perspective changed...

I realized for the first time, that Hinduism is not a religion. There are no conversion procedures, not a single holy scripture places any importance on the act of praying or going to the Temple, and none of them actually talk about God. Ok, the last one isn't quite true, of course they talk about God... But it's all mainly about how as long as you believe in a divine being, any divine being, and do good deeds, you're going to be alright.

No, Hinduism is no religion. It is a way of life. The holiest of scriptures, the very first records of Hinduism to be found, written in the most obscure fashion are the Vedas. All the books were written by a community of men and women, all of them containing nothing but different ways to keep good karma and be an individual with morals and integrity. "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you." Sounds so simple, doesn't it? That right there, is the only thing it all boils down to. There were no prophets or whispers from God on how to become closer to him/her/it. There was only the belief that by living an honest life, the soul would be saved in the afterlife.

Do I understand everything about my religion now? Of course not. There is so much still to read, so much to ask my father or my grandmother. But I am happy to say that it became much clearer today. It doesn't matter how many times a day I pray, or how many days a week I fast, or how many times I go to the Temple in a month. As long as I am honest in everything I do and believe in my heart that I am a good person, I'm pretty sure I'll be alright. This may be my first life, or my last. It doesn't even matter.




P.S.- I'm so sorry about this guys... I had to get it out there... I promise, I'm not ragging on any other religion, I love religions! I'm sure Christianity or Islam or Buddhism are just as amazing and cool as I think Hinduism is at this point. I really do hope I haven't offended anyone with my random 2 A.M. ramblings about things I've been thinking of all day. Please forgive me if I have =)

Random Ramblings

I have recently realized that most everything Mr. Petmecky preached to us in Econ class last year was pretty much true, especially the very definition of economics: "The balance between scare resources and unlimited wants." It's true that this definition can be used to define basically everything in life. For example, yesterday afternoon, I was almost crying due to the boredom I was suffering. But in all actuality, this boredom was completely uncalled for, considering my internet had gotten set up only the day before and I had three different books beside my bed just waiting for me to open up. Not only that, I could have helped with household chores, like sweeping the porch for my mother or helping with some cooking. But did I do any of these things? No I did not, instead I chose to sit around, surfing the web trying to find something to do.

And now I wonder... Why are we this way? Why do we always search for something newer, something better to keep us occupied? What happened to the old fashioned past times, like spending time with the family or just going out into the backyard and laying in the grass? All of a sudden, I don't like where I have ended up in the past couple years. I don't like that the usual Facebook or Gmail chats couldn't keep me occupied. In the end, I don't want to be the type of person who can't enjoy the little things in life, the person who doesn't see the beauty in a day spent under a sunny, cloudless sky.

Something else that has been on my mind lately... college. Yeah, I'm stoked to be going to Georgia Tech next year, but all of a sudden, it just hit me. Next year, things are going to change. And yeah, I should have known this from the start, considering that's just about the only thing every single teacher has been telling us and the only thing anyone can even talk about this year.

"Oh man, college is going to be so awesome! No parents to tell me what to do!"

So, it's silly that this is just hitting me now, but it is. I just realized today, as I was working out in the gym, that next year, I'm not going to be with my friends. Sure, I'll be with some friends, but it's never going to be the same. Ann won't come over to my house at 10 p.m. just because she wanted to talk to someone or couldn't figure out the Econ test corrections. Karen and I won't be walking/driving home to her house after school just to eat almost an entire tub of ice cream (her eating 75% of course) and then crash on her bed with the laptop, some music, and her dog. Impromptu girls nights with Karen, Ann, Whitney, Katelyn, and me won't be possible.

Emily, Courtney, and I won't be randomly going to movies, or to the gym, or to the park in the middle of the night. I won't be eating Hope's amazing from-the-box-but-with-Hope-Magic-added cookies. Sumi and I will never have seventh period Bio in which to aggravate Mr. Kuninsky with our incessant gossip and whining and chatter.

I just realized that my entire life is going to change next year. School is going to be the toughest it has ever been, daily life will take a lot of adjusting to since I've only gone six weeks of my life away from home (GHP last summer), and friend groups are going to be completely redefined. And I don't think I've ever been more scared and excited at the same time. Because in the end, Katelyn, Pranav, Timmy, Dipesh, and all the other guys will still be there if things get too tough. And I could never forget all of my GHP friends, like my brother Joey, and Meha and Kshama.

It really is exactly as my dad says, "The most constant thing about life is that it changes." I think we should all go out there next year, and just live it up. Lets study hard, make lots of new friends, and make sure to keep up with all of our most important old ties. College years are supposed to be our best ones. Lets make them that way. =)

Start of Something New

So. I'm going to put it out there from the very start: this is most certainly not something I do very often, this blog thing. I remember when I used to update Xanga every single day, but those were middle school and freshman year days =) Eventually, there was no one reading it anymore, school kept getting in the way, life got too busy, and it was just plain old boring. So why am I doing this now?

See, I'm actually doing this for many reasons, the main one being that I need some sort of outlet to let my words and thoughts float away and out of my head. Plus, is there a better way to make sure everyone stays connected? Ok, so maybe only I'll be broadcasting my life and thoughts to the world, but that's fine with me. I figure with everyone going off to college, we need something constant in our lives, a reprieve from the real world, each finding it in their own way. Some may lose themselves in the physical challenges climbing rocks with a loved one provides, some may chose to throw themselves into the party world and live life on the edge as they are finally free of household constraints, and others may decide to exert all their effort into maintaining that ever elusive 4.0 GPA. Me? I've decided to write.

I don't know who is going to be reading this, but if you know me from somewhere, please, leave me a comment. I'd like to know you're out there, listening =) But in the end, this is for me and some of my very close friends who chose to follow me. Let me say this now: I'm very sorry for anyone I offend with anything I write here over the years. Or, hopefully years, since I don't even know how long I'll keep this up for. =D Thank you for reading my first introductory, very random post. Let the lamenting over trials and tribulations of life begin...