Recently, I have been more frustrated than usual. In a way, I think it's mainly caused by me being cooped up here in L.A. not really being able to do anything other than hang out with my family. Maybe writing about some of this stuff here will help me feel better and get over it...
First of all, I'm just all around frustrated with my body. I know that I'm by no means fat or obese or any of those things. But I'm still not as healthy as I'd like to be. And I get up everyday and go jogging and eat super healthy all the time and go to the gym for at least an hour every single evening with my mom and dad. And I know I've barely done this like this for maybe three weeks now, but I've always eaten super healthy. If I've been doing all of this, shouldn't I be seeing some results by now? We always hear these awesome success stories about how people lose pounds upon pounds after only a month of doing something like this, and I see absolutely no change in myself at all. I've almost started giving up hope, but I won't, because I understand that this is still making me a lot healthier than I was before, because I'm working out my heart and all other important parts of my body. But this realization doesn't seem to make me feel any better about it.
Lately, I've also started feeling really guilty with what type of person I have turned out to be. Sure, I seem like I'm pretty great, but am I really? The other day, I realized that I was going to be home for the first time ever when something Harry Potter is released. I realized that I could go see the sixth movie with all of my friends and just have a blast, something I've never been able to do before. As I exclaim in the car and tell my parents this, all they can say is "Wow, her priorities really are in different places than ours..." And that made me feel worse than I have ever felt about anything before. Because I realized, maybe for the first time fully saw, that I have totally different priorities than my parents. My mother didn't move out of the house until her early twenties, and even that was to move somewhere where she had family really close by. Never when she was young did she prefer to go to a movie with her friends. She would always be satisfied and happy with going with her parents. She cooked and cleaned and was just all around the perfect daughter.
I'm not like that. I'm the farthest from that I could ever be. I don't have any idea how to cook most of the stuff we make, I have to drag myself to even clean my room, forget the rest of the house, and I will always prefer to go out on a girls night or to a movie with some friends than spend my evenings doing nothing but hanging around with my family. In a way, I fell like I've become the worst daughter ever imaginable, and it's too late for me to change anything, because I'm going away to college, and mom won't even be in the same state anymore. And now, I'm just starting to wonder if I've turned into a bad person because all of this. Because shouldn't I want to spend a lot of time with my family? Shouldn't I be satisfied and really happy to be here in California for more than two months hanging out with no one but my parents and grandparents? Doesn't the fact that I keep wishing I was home so I could go out with my friends make me the worst daughter ever? I don't even know what to think of myself anymore...
And I've been really confused about guys. Well... One particular guy I guess. My mind keeps sending me mixed signals, and I don't know what to do about any of it anymore... I guess I'd much rather not go into detail here, but it's still one of those things that's got me really twisted up in knots. Today, I almost thought I knew exactly what to do about it. But then, I found out more things, and I think I'm more confused than I've ever been about it before now. I'm just not sure in anything my mind tells me anymore, because it keeps giving me tons and tons of pros and cons, and none of them seem to outweigh the other.
I really just don't even know anymore. I know most of these frustrations are nothing but silly fears, spurred on by my overactive imagination, late nights, and lack of proper timed sleep. But that doesn't stop them from eating away at me, bit by bit. I'm afraid if I'm here like this for much longer, I'm going to be completely rotted through by the time I go home for school.
Alvvays - "Dives"
11 years ago
2 comments:
Devi, for the workout and eating and everything like that ALL of those stories are lies. Its true if you do that 24 7 but other than that its gonna take longer. First you have to gain weight(muscle) before you can lose any. As for the parents thing, that is normal. First of all you grew up in a different place and a different time. Its normal for kids to want to get away from their parents. Its a thing that always happens to teenagers. Its like my mom said, its something in nature that forces kids to leave the house if they stay too long, thats why my house has so much tension. I'm still here when I'm not supposed to be. As for the guy thing, well, yeah. lmao.
ANYWAYS, just don't forget that your parents(and family) will ALWAYS love you no matter how bad you are or how bad you screw up, thats what they're for. also don't forget about your friends(and siblings) love you too! :D I'm sure you can find something to do ITS CALI!! hell I find stuff to do here in Lilburn...LILBURN!!! lol, well thats all
-Syco Kid
Devi,
This may not apply now, but maybe at some future point in your life it will. It's about the guy issue. :-)
Several years ago, I was trying to make a guy-related decision, and I couldn't make up my mind. I kept going back and forth. A friend told me that if there was a question in my mind about the situation, then there really wasn't a choice at all. He wasn't the one for me.
When it's right, it's not so much thinking and work. While people have to work at keeping relationships healthy and alive, they shouldn't have to work so hard at just being together, especially if it's early in the relationship.
Also, about the family issues...there are so many more factors at work than just rather being with your friends than with your family. Cultural and generational are just two. You're at a different place in your life, and that's okay. Your priorities are supposed to be different. Plus, wanting to be with your friends doesn't necessarily mean you don't want to be around your family. It's situational. Sometimes I don't want to talk to anyone but my mom, and other times, the only person I want to talk to is my best friend since 3rd grade. One isn't better than the other, just different.
Enough rambling from me. :-)
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