Can We Pretend?

And here we go again. What exactly is it with me and blogging during the summer? No matter how much I promise myself that I am going to make a greater effort to blog during the school year, it never ever happens. I know blogging is therapeutic. I know sharing my feelings and troubles with the entirety of the internet makes everything just a little easier. But the ever present laziness kicks in and all I do is come up with long elaborate posts in my head. Where they stay. BUT NO MORE! Summer is upon us and it is time I finally started doing some of the things that I always plan to. Like getting a job, learning to cook, watching tons of TV, and being nice to my mother.

So, as something to kick off with, feelings that I thought I had gotten over a long time ago have resurfaced in a horrendously ugly way. It's the stupid "Law of Liking" stuff David was talking about. Almost every single summer, I get sucked into the blues after being thousands of miles apart from people. I don't see them, I don't talk to them, they don't talk to me. And BOOM. The end of Devi. First, I get sad. Sad that no one cares that I'm not there. Sad that no one says anything. Sad that people are very active on other people's facebooks even when they aren't near them, but are not active on my facebook. I was gone for an entire week, stuck at home with no internet. Nothing from anybody.

Am I invisible? Is it kind of like "out of sight, out of mind"? Because wouldn't that just make me feel like the shittiest person alive. Are the only people that actually care about me my family? And of course, at this point, I just start feeling like I don't even want to go back. Like what fucking different would it make if I just stayed right where I am, thousands of miles away and never talked to any of these people again? No fucking difference. I seriously wonder if I made the wrong choice, in deciding to go to Georgia Tech. Where has it honestly gotten me? Abso-fucking-lutely nowhere. Do I have a job? No. Do I actually have friends? Probably. Do I have massive sleep deprivation? Fuck yes.

Eventually, I know I'll stop feeling that way. Sadly, that day is not today.

I have also had a revelation very recently. I'm so not over him yet. Isn't that retarded? I was so over everything when we actually broke up. But I'm not actually over it yet. Like, I know that I don't like him like that anymore. And I know that not going out is definitely the right thing to do. But after such a long time of having that relationship there, it's really weird to not anymore. And it's really weird to see other people talking. I always make this mistake. I always date the guys that tend to have all female friends, so that it is nearly impossible to ever tell if they have fully moved on, or if perhaps it is only a friendship level of conversing going on.

But then, I feel like a total douchebag. Why should I even care whether or not he moves on? I shouldn't even be thinking about him at all. I should be concentrating on letting everything go myself. It was this exact way last year too. It's probably always going to be this way. Super duper hard.